Escaping the ✨Holiday Magic✨ Trap

Finding family traditions that are enjoyable for everyone

I’m looking at you, Elf on the Shelf

Every December I have multiple self-congratulatory moments that I think to myself: “Thank GOD I never started Elf on the Shelf.” The brief amusement from people’s creative elf escapades I see on instagram is quickly eclipsed by my accounting of the hours and stress I’ve saved myself. And my kids are none the wiser (or don’t care).

But like so many moms, I’ve fallen trap to many other “traditions” that I didn’t need to. Who doesn’t LOVE seeing the joy and wonder on their kids’ faces when they experience the *holiday magic* and warm fuzzy traditions that come back around each year to a Vince Guaraldi and Mariah Carey-filled holiday soundtrack? I want to bottle up those moments of wonder and glee, even though leading up to those has often entailed many hours of planning and stress.

I used to way overthink our advent calendar(s). When our oldest was a toddler, I created a custom pinterest-worthy calendar in which I would fill little baggies for each day. Not only was that even more time-consuming than it sounds, but it didn’t work when we had another… then another kid. Then for a while, they each had store bought calendars that suited their interests. But with three kids, that results in a lot of clutter and cost and even envy - so now, we have one calendar and everyone figures out how to share.

Consumerism clearly goes over the top during the holidays, but so do the expectations of magic-making. And guess who is responsible for that magic? Yep, the *holiday magic* is another form of invisible labor that is generally done by women and caregivers. Then some white bearded dude in a red suit gets way too much of the credit.

When we are also caregiving for elders or ill or disabled relatives, we often feel other types of “performance pressure.” It might be curtailing or changing our plans in order to stay with them or adapt to their needs; or doing all of the driving and meal prep and care as usual, but while also entertaining others. Being the always-on host, planner, chauffer, gift purchaser, chef, nurse, and emotional support person can leave little room for our own needs and enjoyment (though we would never admit it, at the risk of sounding selfish).

Sometimes we also feel expected to carry on traditions simply because they are just that - our family’s traditions. And while there’s something to be said for continuing practices that thread us back to our relatives through storytelling and root us in a sense of belonging, should we keep doing them if we no longer find them enjoyable? If they cause enough stress to cancel out that sense of enjoyment?

I do love the traditions that are ours, that our whole family loves and cherishes, that define “us” and that don’t leave me feeling too stressed to enjoy them. I’ve tried to pare them down over time, leaning in to ones that we all love but that don’t overdo it.

Some of our favorites:

🟢 Driving around to see our favorite neighborhood Christmas lights.

🟢 Opening one gift each on christmas eve.

🟢 Tamales on Christmas Eve and Homemade cinnamon rolls on Christmas Morning.

🟢 Baking lots of cookies from scratch to give out to friends, including the Norwegian Frystekake we always made growing up. (I know this would be stressful for some, but baking is something that truly does bring me joy.)

🟢 Picking a few special outings to do each year as a family, without pressure to do the same ones every year. Things like: going tubing in the mountains, going to see the Nutcracker, visiting the wild lanterns at the zoo.

Things I’ve said no to or have found a less stressful compromise for:

🔴 Elf on the Shelf is a hard no (worth saying it again).¹

🔴 Planning my holiday schedule and gatherings around others’ expectations and feelings at the expense of my own. I did this for many years, and constantly swung between moments of holiday excitement, and anxiety and dread and just wanting to get through it. I still struggle with it every year, but I’m getting better at saying no.

🔴 Over-the-top decorations. I used to feel a lot more pressure around the tree and the lights and decorations. Now, we seem to have figured out our favorites and have it down to a simple but festive science. Some years we buy a tree, some years we put up the fake one.

🟡 Physical holiday cards. This one, I actually love the idea of, but after doing all the designing, choosing photos, writing the text, ordering and (worst of all) sorting and updating of addresses for a decade, I was over it. It added stress during a time when I am generally already taking the lead on gifts and holiday planning. My husband decided he didn’t want to give it up so he now takes the lead. Great!

🟡 I can’t seem to quit this one, at least not while my kids are young, but I probably overthink and overdo it with kids’ gifts and stocking stuffers. Not with super expensive items, but I really spend a lot of time making sure everyone is going to be happy and feel seen with their gifts and I maaaaybe have set the bar high for myself.

What are your favorite holiday traditions? Or - how have you learned to simplify your holidays without sacrificing the joy? Share with us below!

katiheifner

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I’m wishing you a wonderful holiday season, whatever you may be celebrating! Remember to honor your own needs, and that you deserve to rest. ❤️

xoxo Anna

1. But if you want to geek out on some Elf Economic Theory, check out Emily Oster’s post about it.