It wasn't a Vacation but it sure was a Trip

On the challenges of parenting in a different geographic location, and the growth that comes from it.

Business class, minivan style.

When we pulled our minivan - chock full of people, snack wrappers and dirty laundry - into the driveway after two weeks on the road down the West Coast and back, I had never been happier to be home. We often fly from Seattle to southern California to visit family, but this time we decided to make it a longer adventure by driving, stopping along the way in Oregon and the Bay area. We traveled more than 2,500 miles, over 50+ driving hours; we stayed in 7 hotels and one house, in record-breaking heat. It was an epic trip of highs and lows.

Core memories were made: We swam in 8 different pools and went around a lazy river approximately 200 times. My kids still reminisce about the night we played volleyball in an outdoor pool that felt like a hot tub at 10 pm. We laughed at shared jokes that reemerged throughout the trip, and watched our kids have the time of their lives with their cousins. We went to a Dodgers game in LA, and my oldest posed proudly next to a statue of Jackie Robinson, the Hero he had recently chosen to write about for a school report.

We also endured daily meltdowns and endless requests for snacks. Slept 5 people in 2 beds many of the nights. All of our kids vomited at different points. There were stressful conversations about navigating more impending eldercare needs, and minor family drama. It was fun but grueling, core-memory-making and a little too long.

There are no real vacations when you have kids, unless there is still childcare involved - usually meaning a significant additional expense, or trusted, willing, and genuinely helpful family members. We love traveling, we want our kids to experience lots of it and we want to have those experiences with them. But we've realized that while we may be taking a break from our paid jobs, when you travel with three little ones, your paid jobs are replaced by full time caregiving. Thus the adoption of our travel mantra: it's not a vacation, it's a "trip." At least we go into it with our expectations in check!

In retrospect, as is often the case when you’re pushed out of your comfort zone, our too-long road trip was also a time of so much growth for our family. We watched our middle kid become a confident swimmer before our eyes. My oldest (admitted homebody who is not known for his flexibility) did great with lots of transitions, and tried at least half a dozen new foods he had previously refused. My oldest and youngest, who are 6 years apart and don't typically interact as much, played and had fun together in a way that delighted us. We came out of the chaos more deeply connected and a little bit lighter as a family, having a break from our normal routines and replacing our externally-facing paid work with internally-facing family care. Each important, fulfilling and taxing in different ways.

I’m also award that taking any kind of trip or vacation - especially when you have kids - is a luxury. On average, Americans get just 11 days of paid vacation per year. Compare that with the many weeks off throughout the year that schools are closed that do not coincide with paid work holidays: in Seattle it’s about 4-5 weeks throughout the year between four different week+ long holiday breaks and conference days. There is a week at the beginning of summer, and one at the end, where camps are almost impossible to find. Many other writers have recently shed light on the absolute nightmare that summer care has become for working parents in America. So most parents are scrambling to find additional childcare during vacations, and taking a big trip is a way to avoid the summer camp chaos but also even less financially feasible when you factor in paying for extra care throughout the year.

Realizing how much we missed and love our home, the same one we were itching to get away from, was indeed a luxury my husband and I both needed. As we crossed into Washington, Alex said - for the first time ever - that this actually is his home. AT that same moment, "Home" by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros come on the radio (which was also the exit song at our wedding), and everything felt right.

I’m grateful for the growth and memories, and I know without a doubt that I’ll miss this era of trips one day - I just still need a vacation.

How do other parents and caregivers out there actually rest and recharge? Do you feel like you can successfully accomplish it while caregiving?

Stay tuned for a discussion on the wild and re-energized US election, with thoughts on Kamala Harris from a caregiving perspective.

Thanks for being here! xoxo

📚 Reads

Summer Childcare is a Special Kind of Hell The patchwork of after school care that parents have loosely duct-taped together for the school year completely falls apart in the summer.

The New Family Vacation More and more Americans are traveling with multiple generations—and, perhaps, learning who their relatives really are.

I Prepared my Whole Life to Become My Mother’s Caregiver For many in the Black community, having multiple generations of family living under one roof is nothing new.